Who says their vows first?

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Let’s get the “how it has been done in the past” out of the way first. Before, when we did what we were told and didn’t think for ourselves, if one of the parties identified as the “groom” they would speak their wedding vows first, and if one of the parties identified as a “bride” they would speak second.

But it’s 2021, and there can be two grooms, two brides, no brides, no grooms and just spouses so thank $%^k we don’t have to worry about the past and can do things in a way that suits our own relationships, personalities and preferences.

When it comes to planning out your ceremony and thinking about who should speak their vows first there are a number of things that might help you decide but first (and to be perfectly clear):

You do not have to say lovely dovey vows to each other.

At no where in the marriage act does it say “the couple then have to make each other, and their guests, vomit with the sheer sugary sweetness of the waaay too long and overly sharey statements of love”. Saying personal vows, is just not a legal thing. It’s a choice. But it happens to be a choice that people like to make.

You do not have to say vows at all.

The only thing you need to say, because it’s the bit that gets you married is:

I call upon the persons here present to witness that I (your name) take you (their name) to be my lawfully wedded wife/husband/spouse

No one needs to “obey” anyone

Just isn’t a thing that legally needs to be said.

How to decided who says their vows first

Here are somethings to think about when deciding who will do their vows first.

Who is most likely to cry?

If you’re known for getting emotional, going first might be best so you aren’t choking on your own tears, or sniffing back snot-strings through your own vows (It happens. Often.)

Who is the better speaker?

If one of you is a wordsmith and the other is not, then a) get your celebrant to help you and b) go first. You do not want to follow up a well-written heartfelt declaration with something the equivalent to “yeah, I love your guts, and stuff.*”

Who is the most nervous?

Rip that bandaid. If you’re dreading the moment of your vows (remember, you have the option of not saying them) go first. Get it done and then breathe a sigh of relief while your partner recounts all the wonderful things about you.

Or let fate decide…

Have some fun with it. Rock, paper, scissors to see who goes first. Get the crowd to cheer, or show of hands, for who should say their vows first. You can even ninja vows – where you don’t write your own vows, you write vows that your partner has to read.

Your celebrant is going to be a great resource to guide you in how to shape your vows, and if you want some more inspiration you can always listen to my podcast vowspiration.com

*totally acceptable and awesome vows for the right person.

Kez is a Newcastle Marriage Celebrant. She has performed over 700 weddings across Australia but also can officiate baby namings, elopements, registry weddings and funerals. Kez is known to be loud and nerdy. http://wedbykez.com/

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